Ultimate Thunder II

The audio recording of the last part of UT2 was somehow lost to the mists of time in the 80s. Luckily we managed to find a copy of the script in a bin in Hollywood, America.

In the last surviving chapter of UT2, the Chief and Jake Thunder have managed to escape The Reverend Sledgefisher's dungeon and have exploded his church in the process.
We rejoin the story at this point.

We hear Sledge shout incomprehensibly off screen (rassa frassa bassa hassa massa etc...) Sledge pops up gun in hand screaming firey brimstone stuff. He is also battered and bloody, and has finally lost his grip on sanity.

Sledge: Heathens! You two will PAY y'hear?!?! PAY!!! PAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Chief: You're too late. It's over Sledge. There's no way out. Put your weapons down and keep your hands in the air.

Sledge: Sigh.

Chief: Reverend Williard T. Sledgefisher The Third of Big City USA, you are under arrest for grand evil crookery. You do not have to say anything, but if you do Thunder here will make a note of it. (pause) Sledgefisher, it's over.

Jake: It ain't over yet Chief. This dick owes me for the death of my best buddy - Ted Lightning. You ain't getting away with that Sledgefucker.

Sledgefisher: Ha! You can't prove SHIT Thunder. You may be a solid, maverick, hard-ass, renegade, but there one thing you ain't; a good cop.

Jake: Fuck your mom.

Sledgefisher: YOU fuck YOUR mom Thunder. There ain't no evidence you fuckin' douchebag. Even if there was, you'd miss it - too busy polishing your pistol and beating on hookers to see anything beyond the reflection of your own sunglasses.

Jake: Is that so Sledge? So tell me then your honour, what have I missed so far: A consortium of corrupt officials, including yourself, the district attorney, the mayor, and parts of the army and the senate, stockpiling military grade explosives, weaponised bibles and high grade ILLEGAL dope / drugs down the city docks with the aim of finishing this city off once and all. You killed my partner you asscheese. Shot him (emotional) straight through the heart. I was there. I saw it all.

Sledgefisher: Bullshit! It's lies! All lies! With God as my witness, I swear I did not do anything illegal. Where is the evidence? Oh lord, where for art thou Thunders evidence?.... I can't hear anythin Thunder. You ain't providin' no proof is ya?

Jake: It's all in here Sledge. My head. That's all the evidence I need.

Chief: That's all I need too Jake. You see, I've come to learn something these past few days. We may have had our problems, our fights, our long-drawn out arguments, dressing downs and haul across the coals ass whuppings, again and again and again, like we'e repeating the same lines over and over and over and over but... goddamn it Thunder, I just hate this guy. He's had me hooked on super crack and used me like a pawn in a game of evil chess. Fuck you Sledge. You're going down like a frown...

Sledge: Sigh. Well Chief I guess I'll just hand myself over to be handcuffed and sent to jail. Here, take my arms, take my freedom, take my honour, take my....my....my....WEAPONISED BIBLE!

(Bang! or Laser Noise! - Sledge makes a grab for Chief and grabs him, using him as a shield)

Jake: Chief!

Chief: Uh.

Sledge: Ahaha! The tables have turned Thunder! I have taken the Chief hostage by springing a surpise attack on him. Just when you thought I was finished, I have come back. Exactly like Jesus; now I have the Chief to use a human shield.

Jake: Damn!

Sledge: Yes.

Chief: Uh.

Jake: Chief!

Chief: Uh.

Jake: Chief!

Chief: Uh.

Jake: Chief! Chief!

Sledge: Enough! Put down your gun Thunder! There ain't no way to get to me without killing Chief.

Chief: Jake. Forget about me. Just shoot this bastard. I'm collateral damage.

Jake: Ok. (Cocks gun)

Chief: Wait! No! Scratch that Jake, I'm too important.

Sledge: Ha! You? Important?!? I've done turds that're more important 'n you! You're just a washed up, pen pushing, junkie cop with a greased moustache and a whisky problem. And they call you the Chief?!? HA!

Chief: You can talk all the shit you want Sledgefisher. Everyone here knows you're just a wasted piece of scum, a shadow of the man you used to be.

Sledge: Silence!

Chief: What's the problem Sledge? Am I cutting a little too close to the bone? Little Willy Sledgefisher, apple of his mommy's eye, the most promising student at God school, never raised his voice to anyone, wouldn't hurt a retard spastic fly who'd fiddled with his little baby sister. Then one day he decides to throw it all away, for what? The negligable pleasure of being the most powerful, richest and feared man in Bigg City. And all because he was jealous of his...

Sledge: Silence! I said Silence!

Chief: Pure simple jealousy. I woulda thought you'd had recognised this story from the Bible Sledge. Y'know, Cain and Abel? Two hot headed sonsabitches, bickering and a feudin all the time, till one day one of them pulls a pistol on the other and blows his brains out. I woulda thought you'd be aquainted with that particular bible story.

Sledge: That's enough Chief!

Chief: No Sledge. I ain't finished yet. Maybe you oughta take a look round the corner Sledge. You might see something that'll interest you.

Sledge: What're you talking about?

Chief: Go on take a look.

Sledge: Why, all I see is some kinda statue.

Chief: Look closer Sledge.

Sledge: What? What is it?

Chief: It's a memorial Reverend. A memorial to the glorious bastard that was Ted Lightning... Your brother.

Sledge and Jake: What?!? No way! That's bullshit!

Chief: Yes Sledge. Ted Lightning was your brother. You just plum forgot about it. That's what power does to a man.

Jake: This is incredicle. Almost unbelievable I'd say.

Sledge: I agree with you on this one Thunder.

Chief: Yes so it would seem, but here's the story: In 1951, Mr Buddford J.T.S Lightning Junior The Third Junior married a young girl by the name of Betty Sledge, they moved to a small farm in Texas to grow potatoes, corn, pumpkins, tomayto, sweet peas, butternut squash, zucchini, baysil, orAgano, that kinda thing. Kept a few animals, mostly sheep, cattle, a few tempermental hogs and a couple of old devoted sheep dogs. Life was good for the young couple and soon they decided to start a family. Nine months later, Betty gave birth to a coupla boys, they decided to name them Bill and Ted, as was the fashion at the time....(fade out).....a small school just outside Houston. Ted wasn't the best student, got involved with a coupla bad sorts but after a while....(fade out).....course when Bill went to university, he did real good, got top marks in all his classes....(fade out).....moved back to be with his family, that's where the trouble started....(fade out).....sorted himself out, grew a beard, started looking to settle down, that was Ted....(fade out).....obsessed with Satan, got kicked outta God college and his landlord.....changed his name, disowned the Lightning side of his.....course then Ted joined the police force....yeah I had to apply the old Chief charm moves a few times, kick him up the ass....turned out to be a real good cop.....bang bang bang! As was the style at the time.....he he he "No you put down YOUR gun mother fucker hehehe!"....Rose through the ranks mirroring his brother: you Williard...huge congregations...most popular preacher in the country....addicted to power....hungry for more....supercrack....murder....No morals at all. The lowest of the low. You remember any of this Sledgefisher?

Sledge: Why...it...it's all coming back. I..I remember a farm and some dogs! Yes. I remember it all now. My mommy, cooking pumpkin pie, shooting squirrels, dodging moccasins, Oh My! Oh my oh my! I remember it all now. How could I have done it?!? I have killed my own brother! I have comminted the most heinous sins of man! Oh lord in heaven, my most graceful and awesome God, how can you ever forgive me?!? I fall to my knees in forgiveness! My brother Ted! Oh Ted! LOORD FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Chief: NOW JAKE! NOW!

Jake: Hey Sledgefisher. Up yours!

Jake kicks the kneeling Reverend forward. Sledgefisher falls onto Ted Lightning's gravestone, the stone finger going straight through his torso.
(Sounds - Kick to torso, "Uh", ribs breaking, squelch)

Sledge: Urhogh hogh hogh, blffughblffblfffblff, urrghghghgaghghgaghgh.

Jake: That was for Ted. You bastard.

Chief: Yeah. Bastard.

Sledge: (Dying) Uhhghghpthghpth. Pierced by my own brother's finger shaped gravestone. How fitting. Tell me Jake, now you've killed me. Can you ever forgive me for killing your partner, my brother Ted Lightning.

Jake: Forgive you like a boot in the face!

Jake boots the Reverend's face. (Teeth cracking, jaw breaking)

Sledge: Gfghghfghghgf!

Jake: Apology accepted.

Chief: Jake. Finish him off. (Disgusted) His jaws half hanging off and I can see his spine jelly.

Jake: Jelly eh? Perhaps you'd like a nice hot slug of titanium tipped lead to go with your tombstone salad your excellency.

Jake shoots the Reverend. Bang!

Sledge: Ag!

Jake: Thank you. I'll pass your complements on to the chef.

Chief: Perhaps he'd like to see the dessert menu Jake.

Jake: Well Reverend, we have a selection of coffees and liqueurs or perhaps you'd prefer... some cheese!

Jake punches the Reverend full in the face. Lamp!

Sledge: Brfffp!

Jake: And here's your bill sir.

Jake punches the Reverend full in the face. Pop!

Sledge: Nnnmnn!

Jake: You forgot to tip, motherfucker!

Jake and the Chief spray the Reverend with machine gun bullets.

Chief: I think he's dead Jake.

Jake: I think you're right Chief. Let's go home. It's been a long day.

Chief: Too right. You can say that again. Sure thing. You got that right. A long day. Phew. Momma! You can say that again. I concur. You speak the truth... (dialogue fades out)

TV Report

Connie Love: And I am here at the scene of today's incredible events, where the police quite literally put an end to the largest criminal enterprise in the history of the world. Detective Jake Thunder and Chief of Police Leonard Chief courageously, singledy handidly and most of all - Ultimately took on the bad guys and killed them all. I am here with them now. Detective Thunder, how are you feeling right now.

Jake: Pretty darn good Treacle Slit. How's about you hop on my Harley Davidson motorbike and we take off outta here, have a few cocktails, a bit of sex... see what happens?

Connie Love: Ok!

Jake: Oh yeah. Thunder just got much much more... ultimate.

Chief: Goddamn it Thunder!

Everyone: Goddamn it everyone!

Motorbike noises. "Big City Nights" - End Credits

THE END

Film ends with Chief weeping with joy

Shooting wraps up on what is promising to be the most successful Hollywood Blockbuster Movie of all time.
It had the biggest budget for a movie at that time, the most famous actors and the most skilled production team imaginable.
Preliminary reviews reveal a towering epic of explosive action sequences, raging passions and hard hitting moral plotlines. Then something happened...

As the post-prodution team make the finishing touches to the movie, the director, producer, actors, all the crew and everyone else involved including family members and vague acquaintances sit down to watch the final edit of the movie. By the time the film ended, everyone who had seen it had died.

A fire had raged through the building, killing everyone and destroying every last inch of film, every shred of evidence of this movie.
The movie was no more.
No backups had been made, no videotapes, nothing except a few grainy black and white pictures of the set and actors...

...until...

...Nottingham, England, Europe, 2007...

The audio cassette market is dead. No stocks are left. All companies have ceased production. The only way to get hold of cassettes is to search attics and lofts for old worn out tapes that are in a good enough condition to record onto.

A young singer in a heavy metal band finds a filthy old Maxell C-90 in an old suitcase in his mum's spare bedroom. He loads it into his 4-tracks recorder, plugs his electronic guitar in and prepares to record his new rocking heavy metal song. In his right ear, he hears a scratchy sound, some talking, a scream, some keyboards, a gunshot!...The heavy metal singer is intrigued...

...He takes the tape to his nerd friend, a whizz on computers. The nerd converts the cassette to a digital audio file and sets to work cleaning up the scratchy audio. He normalizes the left and right channels independently, uses some noise reduction (the 8khz range is particularly bad, spectral decay is set to 46%), applies some parametric EQ, soft-knee compression, hard-limiting, a bit of stereo spatialization, then sits back and presses play...

Immediately, the nerd and the heavy metal singer are blown away. What they are hearing is pure adrenaline in audio form! After listening to the tape, the nerd logs onto the information super highways and surfboards the interwebs looking for any information on the thing they just heard.

What he finds out, blows his mind!
That tape, ladies and gentlemen, is the only remaining evidence of the best movie of all time.

That movie, ladies and gentlemen is ULTIMATE THUNDER 2 - THUNDER JUST GOT MORE ULTIMATE.

Coming soon to this site...